Complications

I can feel you slipping away, it makes me wonder what's really changing. I feel like I'm a small lost child in a dark and empty forest, one that keeps changing so I have no sense of direction. Is it so hard for you to tell me what you want? What do you need from me? Am I becoming a burden to you? I feel like now I'm living in constant negativity and doubt and that you're actually enjoying watching me suffer. Let's rewind time, let's rewind our lives and go back to the beginning... Or should we skip forward, see what's really going to happen and accept how things are going to be? You're an addiction and you know you have me at your fingertips. Please stop toying with me. Either embrace me or abandon me. I feel like I'm just being tolerated. The amount of ache you deliver, that heavy weight in my heart and mind. I wish you were clear with me.

I feel you slipping away and I'm not sure whether to hold on tight... or let go.

Until next time.
xx

Benevolent

Here I am just thinking to myself, is it patience that I have? Or am I just filled with stupidity?

When one is pushed into a space of negativity from an outside factor, one's decisions and thoughts become heavily influenced by this new, dark forced that has entered one's space. Was it by choice? As much as I'd like to say no, I must confess it was. You always have a choice whether to let them overtake you, or to fight back. I, for one, was weak that night.

But let me tell you one thing. I understand that people need to do things their way. I understand that people may be put back due to occurring actions. I understand that sometimes, it's hard to find that silver lining in all that mess.

However, you always, always, ALWAYS have a choice.

So, are you going to-
Let it burn you up? Or let it fuel your determination?
Let it dampen your mood? Or find a way to get over it?

Do you want to be angry and sour for the rest of your life? Or do you want to be able to channel your moods to clear that black space?

Deal with it. Don't drag others into it. You have a choice. Either you want to, or you don't want to. Don't let it ruin your mood because consequently, you'll end up doing more harm than any good whatsoever.

Until then,
xx

Abstinence

To refrain from something is to gain self control. I confess, I myself have little to no self control. Whether it's 'dieting' and controlling what I eat, to seeing something disastrous happening in slow motion and feeling absolutely helpless, knowing I should do something but not knowing what precisely needs to be done. In the heart of all things, it is what our inner souls want; this tiny voice we hear in our minds is what we subconsciously want, what we make ourselves believe that we need. Imagine a small child crying alone on the streets because he is hungry. Do you walk away from the child? Or do you feed them? How could one tiny voice project so much emotion? This is when we have to harness that self control. We must understand when we can let go, as well as comprehend when we must hold back.

 But how do we do that? What steps are supposed to be taken to help us educate ourselves to this...control?

 I myself haven't found the answer yet, but I am definitely open to suggestions thrown my way.

  All voices should be heard.

It just depends on how hard you listen to them is all.

Until next time.
xx
 

Zaftig

They had an agreement. They would be together but free. They had an agreement. No strings were attached. They had each other, but he wanted more. She hated the agreement, but she wanted him happy. He brought someone home one day, she was devastated. But because of that agreement, she plastered on a smile. That night she slept alone and heard them through the walls. Fat tears caressed her cheeks, comforting her, but still she kept that smile. This went on for days, she felt empty and forgotten. Then one day, it became too much, the smile had worn her out. With the final ounce of energy she could muster up, she gave him the ultimatum- it's either me or her. The girl beside him, naked in all her fine glory, had a dainty smug smile. He looked confused, for he wanted one but needed the other. 'We had an agreement, I don't understand.' She was so weary. She felt so tired. 'Let me decide for you then' she sighed and left him.

Until then.
xx

Yes

Insecurities define a person whether they like it or not. The reason why people are so insecure is because they doubt their future. Will it turn their way? Or will it go out of hand? We sometimes forget that in order to learn, mistakes must be made. So throw away those sorrows, throw away those uncertainties and just say yes. Who knows, you might actually end up having the time of your life.

Until next time.
xx

XOXO

I've noticed that it's easier to hate than to love. Our minds have reached that stage of conforming where it is better to publicly showcase your mutual hate rather than indicate any signs of indelible love. Hate has become another tool used to belong and instead of it being condemned, it is being embraced. But let me help you understand my realisation. Love requires so much more energy mentally. This type of energy is harder to replenish than physical energy. When you are physically drained, a quick coffee, a good hearty meal and a nap would do the trick; however, when you are drained mentally, your conscious takes a blow so hard that it requires much more than drink and food to bring up those levels of energy. Love is tiring. It's a lot of hard work too, but remember this for me guys, love is rewarding. When you love well or are loved well, there's this phenomenon that courses through your veins. Love is what builds, not destroy. Love is what replenishes, never taking away. Albeit, these definitions of love are my interpretations only- it's not a black and white type of meaning. For example- if a boy and a girl loved, but broke up, it's safe to say that never seeing them and hating their very existence is easier than trying to love them as a friend, instead of as a partner. The amount of energy it takes to control and channel your love differently is indeed a task that would produce headaches. But say, the boy and girl succeed, this new love, this perhaps stronger version of love will guarantee them that they will both never be alone; that they will always have a friend when in need. Love requires control and patience. Love doesn't cost a cent, so to the person reading this, please remember to love; and to do it unconditionally.

Until next time.
xx

Whispers

You're so bad for me, I can't help it though. I'm so bloody addicted to you. How is it that you possess so much and try so little? I feel like a bird towards a new scent. You're so alluring, but I'm worried that I'll suffocate you, that I'll harm you. Oh couldn't you tell? I warned you, I'm damaged. But I will try, I really will. Controlling her is harder than you think, you see. But like every other day in my life, I will fight her don't you worry. My spirit is strong thanks to you, hopefully it's stronger than hers.

Until then.
xx

Vintage

You're such a familiar stranger. So close yet so far. You frustrate me so much but I can't bear to hurt you. I want to leave. I need to leave, but your cry for help is so loud, I can't ignore it. You're my sympathy case, my burden to carry. You know that I can't say no and I feel used and abused.
My cure is is your cure. Cure yourself please. I beg of you. If not for you, then for me. If I am that important to you, then set me free. Liberate me and allow me the senses of serenity I so dearly crave for.

It's you. You're my burden. My sweet, sweet burden.

Until next time.
xx

Undesired

Sucks how your main flaw is your biggest flaw, not easy to change either.

Until then.
xx

Telltale Signs

I really love you. I do. But you need to stop with all this shit. The toxins you create around yourself. The way you embrace without thinking. We're growing tired of you, honey. We're always there to support you, please never forget that. But you're becoming too much to bear. I'm a bit sad to be honest. We both are. We feel a bit unappreciated. I thought you'd say thanks, or even at times I feel like I need a sorry from you. I miss the old you, I know you're somewhere in there. Even though the old you has gone, it's not like there's even a new you to appreciate. You've just literally become invisible. Your old self is gone, your new self never emerged. Where are you? I know you're stronger than this. Fight it. Fight him. I know you have the strength to be independent. If not, we're here to help you make those baby steps. Please stop letting others live your life for you. Please stop accepting to be spoon fed. Please come back to us. To me. I miss you, honey. I really do.

Until next time.
xx

Scattered senseless

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FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU BIG TIME, ALL OF YOU. WORSTT I SWEAR JUST SHUT UP WILL YOU? jwiaeodlhfrut ulaxieorsfn;eoitgnfsijj;nitgo;erhtrethin; ohtleo hireoth fvgjswjjkbrffekbkjfhdbjalgbgabj;wfEIFEWEIOWFEEIO;E BJFBKJBJnnbjfeso bleruja nlf.reigkn rl;sljtimreo;t

Until then, motherfucker.
xx

Remedy

Obviously it's all in my head. There's no way that so much can impact on such a little person. But it's true, I've succumbed to believe. And I wish, I really wish I didn't. Everything that occurs in our lives has several steps needed to be undertaken. We unconsciously take these steps without thinking of the consequences, without knowing where we're heading, without knowing the final result. WE are the people that make those choices, whether it's meticulously calculated; or randomly selected. WE are the ones that have to acknowledge our actions in the end.

It's horrible.

Knowing that you could have changed the past, knowing you were responsible for what has occurred and knowing that you had unconsciously said yes several steps of the way not realising how THAT final step can cause your world to fall apart. Don't worry about me though, as I've mentioned before, I've succumed to this mess. I know where I should stand YET I know where I actually stand. I am picking up those pieces. Just let me go at my own pace. Please.

Until next time.
xx

Queasy

My old habits are kicking back in. I need to let out. Soon.

Until then.
xx

Punished

She searches all around her; that sense of feeling. Thinking, hoping, wishing, she walks on the path of the unknown. What will she find? She doesn't know. All she knows is that if she doesn't find it, her fear will come true. Numb.  It's an escape she tries to seek, an exit that she must find. Her feet lead her astray, she doesn't notice or feel the blisters on her soles. The sun beats down on her but she feels neither hot nor cold. She doesn't feel. So numb. She picks up a nearby sharp rock and cuts herself, to see if she could hurt. The blood trickles slowly from her wrist and form a small pool just near her blistered toes. Still, she feels so numb. No emotion can seep through her, no nerve within her body and soul has been touched. Her heart pulls within her, it knows she must feel and so gives her the gift of hate. She hates it. She hates what it's done to her. Hate contaminates her to her very inner core. She refuses this gift. Using the rock, she claws at her heart. She hates the rock, hates it's inefficiency. She hates herself, she is such a failure. She looks at her blisters and hates the very ground she treads on. She starts clawing at the ground, her nails dirtied by the soil, little cuts upon her fingers. Physically unable to stand any more self inflicted wounds, she lies down and watches the pool of blood beside her expand. Before she dies, she is granted the gift of curiosity.

'How can one emotion cause so much damage?'

Until next time.
xx

Obituary

If I die young,

Bury me in satin,

Lay me down on a bed of roses.

Send me on a lake, at dawn.

Send me away with the words of a love song.

         Until then. xx

Natural Instincts

We all crave for something during our lives. Whether it's power, knowledge or even love, we unconsciously search for it throughout our every waking moment. It is only when a significant incident occurs that opens our eyes to the real world. It is only when we realise we are about to lose something, that we acknowledge what we actually have. I've been trying my best to learn, to accomplish some sort of lesson, but it's so complicated, I end up being more confused than how I started. I try to always stand tall, to always lift my chin up and to always smile, but it just takes so much effort. So many people underestimate what they have. So many people don't realise how blessed they are, how gifted and how talented they can be. The show offs we notice, are we wrong to judge them? They have understood how valuable the things they possess are. Is it wrong to show it off to the world? We claim to be optimists, but I think the only lesson I've learnt is that we live in a double standard world. A world where it is okay to keep craving, as long as you do it with a smile. Real or fake? It's completely up to you. Until next time. xx

Message Received

How do you make an entrance? It should always start with a bang. Leaving that impression, leaving your invisible footprint in that person's mind will significantly mould your future's path. Whether it's love at first sight or hate at first sight, who cares? The first impression is always the most accurate way of judging a person's limits. What do I mean you ask? Have a try, then come back to me with that question again. After all, the best way of learning is through the process of implementing; is it not? Until then. xx

Lyrics of a Madman

scatter senseless in the streets with such simplicity and certainty.
sighing sadly through the seas drowning in its sorrow.
silly sentiments secluded in the sun's way.
searing stabs and pains that align themselves inside sickening minds.


Until next time.
xx

Knowledge

A sense of learning and that tingling feeling of a new beginning makes the world that much more worth being in. So, bring out the sunshine and never lose hope :)

Until then.
xx

Jest

Feels good :)

Until next time.
xx

Irritation

How am I supposed to see your reasoning if you won't see mine? Where is the justification in that? I'm trying so hard, I really am; but you're making this such an impossible task to accomplish - I feel like purposely becoming a disappointment to you just so I can bear your stupidity.

Until then.
xx

Heightening habits

Just imagine, you're in a room with no memory of how you got there. No matter how many times you blink, your eyes aren't able to adjust to the pitch blackness that seems to engulf you. Your hands are dry and numb from the damp coldness that surrounds you and you feel your way around the dark. Your fingers trace the rough edges of brick upon brick and it hits you that there are just four stone walls around you. If fear and panic didn't exist, what other emotion would dominate your very being?

Until next time.
xx

Grand Entrance

Fusion of Minds

It's within the details that an individual can make out the whole. You only need to open your eyes and the ability to distinguish those tiny particles becomes so clear, you'll see matter itself. Sometimes, there are those people who avoid the effort and only see the wider picture. It is then they lose sense of what they were initially doing, losing a little sense in themselves. Sometimes everyone needs a reminder that everything isn't always in shades of black and white.

Until then.
xx

Elusive

Catch me if you can :)

Until next time.
xx

Debonair

©James Jean