Desires

It started a long time ago actually, I used to remember attending parties with my parents and while the adults entertained each other, the children were to play together. I never could really belong, no matter how hard I tried, I always felt like I was the oddity of the group.I never took charge, nor was I willing to be bossed around by some bratty kid. Even though I convinced myself I didn't mind, it was a lie I kept to myself all these years.

 Even now, despite so many connections, I feel alone.

I worry that I am too bossy, or that I am following too many orders. I am too aware of my actions and second guess them whenever I get a chance. Relationships are odd to me. I am by far a recluse, but I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can never connect wholly with a person. Because of this, I feel stuck. I want to feel and have someone who is willing to share and connect with me. Despite loving my partner, I sometimes think I restrain him and that I would never be the one that can make him truly happy. My closest friends understand my train of thoughts, but rarely recognise my need of appreciation, or affection. My parents see the world through a simplified spectrum, they believe happiness is indicated through wealth. I don't want to be the trouble child. They've done so much for me. Ironically, I hate to seem like a needy person- an attention seeker. Honestly, I just don't know what it is that I'm seeking for.

I just feel so lost. And so alone.

The episodes are running clear and strong now. I go for long periods of time without realising I've blanked out. I wake up crying and my dreams are frequently solemn. Writing this, getting this off my chest makes me feel slightly sane. I don't want to pass my burden onto others. I want to be strong for my dear ones. They themselves have been going through so much.

Only time will tell how long I can hold strong.

Until then.
xx