Starfruit

I feel so out of it right now. I feel like running on a long strip of sand with the ocean right beside me and no one else. I feel like sleeping at the beach after I run out of energy. What is domestic violence? What is the actual definition? There are different definitions to this term for different cultures. It makes me wonder what is actually legal or 'allowed'; and what isn't. There are many days I want to crawl into a little hole and just stay there. I'd have time to think, time to calm down, time to actually empty my mind.

I wish there was someone that I could talk to about these things. Someone that I could just let loose to and that the person would always know the right thing to say. I wish I didn't need that type of person for my type of reasons. I know there are things I should be able to control. It just seems..hard. Especially when you can never ever get what you asked for, even as simple as...a simple life.

My guitar calms me down a bit. I continuously play the same tune from the song 'Photobooth' by Death Cab For Cutie and it has calmed me down a bit, but it's just a temporary thing, you know? I feel like I'm that word again. I know it's a bad word to think about, but that word always always pops up into my head when things get 'pear-shaped' [as my accounting teacher loves to say]. 'Burden'. I feel like I'm a burden, regardless of what people say. It's just... indented and nailed into my brain, like someone has stitched it there. To my family, I can never seem to get any approval, to my friends, approval...of what? Why do I need approval? I don't know. I'm just feeling lost. Lost lost lost. I depend on...something. What is it? Is it because I'm stupid? How could a person not know what they want? How could other decisions be made if something as simple as this cannot be decided. I hide secrets. Lots and lots of secrets. A good thing? A bad thing? I don't know. If i bare out my secrets, I'll push everyone away. they wouldn't see me the same. Wouldn't want to know me. Think I'm an attention seeker. I'll be a burden. See? A burden. burden. burden. burden. I hate that word. I hate myself sometimes too. Ask me why? Pfft, like I'd know. Though, hiding all these secrets, these events that happen every day, it hurts holding it all in. I need to let out. But I'm afraid. Afraid of what could and will happen.

Life sucks at times like this.

Apologies for the downer blog. I just had to get it out there, you know?

Until next time.
xx