Canary

I want out of this shithole. Just be free. Escape. Be whoever, however and whatever I want to be. Why are such things so impossible? Is Australia not a free country? Why am I still in this prison cell then? Why is it, that I can see so many doors, but no exits?

Today was a beastly day. Nothing went right. When you tell someone that you would clean your own dirty dishes, you wouldn't expect them to wash them for you then complain to you about having to wash them. Did it not go through your head that I said I'd clean them? Lay off, don't tell me off for not cleaning them. You're no fucking angel. Food tech went longer than I wanted it to. With my food tech teacher asking me to stay back after school to help with her presentation, her forcing me to present my creme brulees after the last failure, the idiot with the stubborn mind washing then dirtying my dishes again and trying to get my ice cream to turn out right, I went way overtime.

Consequences?

I ended up going to my methods SAC late. Rushing in, taking a seat, her telling me to put all books down under my table and telling me to start. I don't know why. My mind went blank. It's just something I cannot explain. I looked at those equations, the ones similar to what I studied the night before, yet nothing came out. Nothing formed in my mind. I sat there for 10 minutes with literally nothing in my head. It didn't help when the teacher kept standing right behind me, seemingly judging my every move. It didn't help when everyone started talking when they finished their papers...and it didn't help that I could not absorb the questions in front of me in order to gain answers. My answers weren't answers. They were random numbers used to fill in the space. I think I may have failed that paper, which would be the first time I ever failed at all; that is- academically wise. Failures in life don't count.

Things continued to head downhill from there. It turned out I left my USB in the school library. Even worse was no one had handed it up to any of the teacher staff, which is what usually happened to all missing things, but not today of course. My friend found the chain connected to my USB, and that chain is pretty hard to pull off. So I conclude that my USB has been stolen. Who on earth would want a 2G USB? It had my FOLIO work in it.

I headed home in the rain. When I got home, I don't know why...[But then again, it felt like I didn't know anything at all today.] I told my mum everything. About what a shit day I had just gone through. Maybe I was hoping that all my assumptions about her were wrong, and I reckon a strong part of me wanted consolidation.

Consolidation...

my ass.

After I told her she screeched at me. Plates flew around me, screams filled the house. Tears fell and words were hurled. I argued with her that I could not be perfect every day. She argued with her only argument . 'I am right. You are wrong. Not only are you wrong, but you're an idiot too.'

Boy it felt good to have such a caring motherly figure.

I cried in the showers. I don't know why, but the shower was the most consolidating thing I did today. I took a very long shower. I silently wished that it would never end. Outside I could still hear voices. Her voice. Multiplied. Failure. The word rung at least a dozen times per second. She went to pick up my sister, she told my sister everything. How I knew? My sister told me these exact words 'Mum was full on bitching about how stupid you were in the car'. I'm sick of it.

I want escape.

The thing is...

How does one escape from something that is everywhere? How does one escape something that has been carved deeply into your mind? I've been branded a Failure. I can still smell the acidic smoke of burning flesh.

Until then.
xx