I will not cry.
Those were the terms and conditions I applied myself to. What foolishness.
I will not cry.
Walking up those stairs, one foot after another.
"Hey!"
Slightly distracted, I notice one of my good friends. He comes up to me and does not ask anything. After all, good friends know all. He hugs me tightly. I am hopelessly short compared to him. He whispers in my ear. "You'll be fine yeah?". I love how he is unaware of anything; what I would be enduring, what I hope to accomplish, yet he gives me his 100% support. Oh God.
I will not cry.
There are only a few steps left. I can make it. I have to. In front of me, the door is slightly ajar. I enter it, instantly feeling the warmth of the room produced by the other students in there. My heart races through a field that has no finishing line. I had hoped that no one would be here. I turn, ignoring them all and make my way to another door. It is closed. My knuckles tap lightly, the sound of my knocking seemingly echoes. She answers the door with a warm smile. My stomach joins my heart. Together my body feels like it is on overdrive.
But...
Someone is in there. I am calm for a bit. I am not alone in this after all. Sitting down, I wait. Millions of thoughts compete each other inside my mind, pushing and crying for their share of attention. I push them all aside.
Not now.
It is finally time. She beckons me in with that warm smile. I wonder if she's practised that? In front of a mirror? It may be just second nature to her. She wears warm colours. Red and Black. Her eyes are kind. Even without a word, she seems to understand. She starts the conversation. Her voice is like a river. Her words flow. Then she asks the question that I have spent nights thinking about.
"So, what brings you here? What is causing you anxiety?"
I will not cry
I slowly tell her. The knotted ball slowly unravels itself. All she does is listen. That's all I need at this moment. As I dwell closer to the core of this knotted ball, my eyes start stinging. Even the stubborn areas untangle themselves quickly at this point. Tears fall freely from my face. My whole body is trembling, shaking. The ball of yarn is long. It's surprising that I have been able to maintain that length within me all this time.
It is a relief to release. Though things are not perfect yet, I am glad I have been capable of making this first step.
Until then.
xx
Every heaped pound of complements usually does it. So yes, I think you can consider yourself underestimated.
ReplyDeleteWell done you, too. Cliché rubbish and all that, but the first step IS always the hardest. Hope you're doing okay tonight.
No problem. Glad to hear it. I know the heaviness all too well.
ReplyDeleteNot at all. I don't mind being honest. But medical huh? Do I sound that refined? Well, what do I do daily? Such an interesting question really. I have done many things in many places, but by general trade I'm a preschool teacher. Although my last job was as a housemaster in a boarding school in England. At the moment I am back in Australia in another of my "what next?" phases. I was intending on going back to Uni next year, but all is not clear. As I say, I could go through a dozen other occupations, but that would take some time.
ReplyDeleteQuestion answered? I think now I will have to come with something further to ask you that I do not already know ...
Interesting. Education is alright, but I'm looking to get out of it and do something else, hence the Uni considerations. I'm fairly free i guess, yeah. I'm definitely not tied down to anything or any place.
ReplyDeleteAnything huh? Well, I might have to ponder that a little and get back to you :)
haha! It's funny, I get that a lot too, but none of them are ever ravenously attractive women:P I once got asked directions in Edinburgh when I hadn't even been there six hours. And the weird thing was that I was able to give the right ones! But I think you must be like me in that sense, because you don't walk around scowling at people all the time. People are generally nicer like that here though. You say hi to anyone you walk past in most places in the UK and they look at you like they expect you're going to rob them.
ReplyDeleteBut yes. I've always been fascinated by it, but I always think it's just a little too creepy. And your thoughts have just confirmed that (I'm using you as a yard stick for the entire decent female population of the world, by way. Hope you don't mind). :P