Queasy

I think it stems down to those past relationships. How easily they all hid secrets, how easily they flirted with other girls, even in front of me. I have it so good right now, don't get me wrong. I have never been so sure of anything in my life until now. He treats me like royalty- like as if I'm ethereal and rare and I love him for that. But I feel like it's too good to be true, that someone will entice him even more and he'd be taken away. I've never learnt to hold onto things and keep them, so this is my first time. We're so honest, so open, so deeply invested in each other that I feel queasy thinking all of these 'what ifs'. I really have to keep my mind under control, I know that. I just wish that I didn't grow up surrounded by so many lies. It would really help with my trust issues now. Goodbye past- I need to get rid of your toxicity. Hello confidence, let's get to know each other.

Until next time.
xx

Pain

One of my biggest fears is that I'll always be alone. Some days I'm so lonely I don't know how to keep going. It doesn't matter how many people are around me, they're just people. They don't see me as a whole. Only parts of me that I want them to see. No one has seen the real me.

Until then.
xx

Observant

There's this strange urge inside me. I feel absolutely restless and agitated. For what precisely, I'm not sure. My life is going according to plan, whatever the fuck that means. My friends serve their purpose and nothing more. Nothing surprises me, nothing challenges me. I need something to focus on. I don't know what it is I'm looking for, but I know one thing for certain.

I am ready.

Until next time.
xx

Near

What if life was just a game and I was losing?
What if the objectives were actually quite simple to meet, what if the only way to level up was to conform?
What if we were all players of this large mind controlling game?
What if the only way to win was to conform?

 Is that why I'm losing?

I'm just trying to make sense of this constant noise in my head. Despite the crap running through my brain, I'd like to believe I'm actually a fairly simple person. I just feel... Misplaced. Like a checkers piece on a chess board. Or a pen near a jigsaw puzzle. I don't make sense, I don't belong in this arena. So tell me then, how close am I to the edge?

 When is it Game Over?

Until then.
xx

Metadata

I am a selfish person. I want the world's affection and will try to get it at any cost, but as the saying goes, you can't buy happiness. No I take it back. I need raw love from just someone. One person that needs me as much as I'd need them. The people I surround myself with, they can be talking about something and not notice me suffocating in the corner. My silence is deafening to myself. I am trying so hard to figure out what I want but I just can't , for the life of me, figure it out. Fake smiles everywhere to everyone. The days are long, my sighs are heavier. The clock ticks. I think... I want out.

Until next time.

xx

Losing It

Never have I felt so alone. I'm trying... fuck I'm trying. No matter where I go I can't seek comfort and it hurts, just hurts so much. My mask is wearing out and my emotions are slowly clawing their way through. If she takes over again... God knows what will happen.

Worthless, senseless, empty. The terrors of my dreams, the scars that will never heal. Crying for attention isn't my style. Holding it in fucking sucks. I'm at an impasse- do I let people in and allow them to see how completely fucked up I am? Or do I push everyone away for their own good. My heart will always crave what my mind forbids. I can't even deal with myself. What makes it possible for me to deal with everyone else then?

The countdown begins.

Until then.
xx

Kiss me

"My heart is racing," he whispered.
"So is mine" she replied.

Until next time.
xx

Jinxed

If only for a second, let me hold you. Tell me all your secrets and let me know the truth. Open up your eyes, your heart and your mind. Take me with you on this journey of strength and let me bathe in your newfound glory. Pour your love into every part of my body and, just for one moment, drown me in your sadness. Link our souls to thicken our blood, let our undying support run through our veins. Promise me your last breath and in return I will let you know I already promised you mine.

Until then.
xx

Ideologies

Back and forth she swings herself in the empty park. The moon, full and bright, is the only thing that shines in her life. A gentle breeze caresses her cheek. Mother Nature knows and reminds her she is not alone. She sucks in a ragged breath and exhales slowly. She closes her eyes and a stray tear trickles down her cheek and rests upon the bow of her lips. She understands that it is nearly time.

One by one, the shadows pick themselves out of their prisons and move in a chaotic order. Slowly, curiously, they surround her in fascination. Fumbling to move ahead of each other, their fingers caress her cheek, stroke her hair, trace her jaw. Unable to see them, she jerks at their touch. These dark shapes form a line in front of the girl on the swing, revealing themselves to this complicated mortal.

Realising what they were, she knew. If anyone were to ask her precisely what was currently occurring then they would have been disappointed. Simply put, she just understood.

Her attention falls upon the figure in the centre. Tall and willowy, he steps forward towards her in a confident matter. She tries to make out the details of his face only to realise his face did not exist. As he draws near, he extends his arm.

Child. The decision is yours.

With no regrets, she links her arm to his. As if on cue, the audience of shadows bounce away from the line and huddle together creating a mass swirl of darkness before her. As gentlemanly as he is, he beckons her towards the portal to indicate for her to go first.

And just like that. She was swallowed into the darkness with not a trace of her existence left behind.

Until next time.
xx

Hanging

Rise in the morning sun
We believe In the same ideals
But it's harder to leave 
When we've come this far
And the end is near

Tell me what made you love
Just the way you do
It's the purest touch
And I wanted it too
But it seems this world won't let it be

And so will you write this down
When the siren sounds
You'll remember me
Cause this isn't meant to be
Turned into a memory
That stays until it fades
Away

Three hundred miles away
A different night
But the sky's the same
Nobody knows where you escape
That you are stranger
Show me love, I'm broke
I can't stand here on my own
If I'm going to live then I have to go
I'm danger

Until then
xx

Credits to Fade by Egyptian 

Grief

What am I doing? Why do I keep hurting myself and those around me? My mind is one fucked up place and I should know by now that no one is interested in my detrimental views. Yet time consumes me, the overthinking process commences and words flow out like deadly lava. They ooze through the cracks of my mind and seep their way towards you. Only when you are burning do I realise what chaos I have created. Only when you are burnt do I feel the full brunt of regret. 

I'm so sorry. Forgive me.

Until next time.

xx

Fables

I want to tell a story. A story about fear, hope, loss, bravery and love. There's a problem though, the story has no ending, but it definitely is worth reading. Will you listen to my tale? 

Until then. 

xx