Queasy

I think it stems down to those past relationships. How easily they all hid secrets, how easily they flirted with other girls, even in front of me. I have it so good right now, don't get me wrong. I have never been so sure of anything in my life until now. He treats me like royalty- like as if I'm ethereal and rare and I love him for that. But I feel like it's too good to be true, that someone will entice him even more and he'd be taken away. I've never learnt to hold onto things and keep them, so this is my first time. We're so honest, so open, so deeply invested in each other that I feel queasy thinking all of these 'what ifs'. I really have to keep my mind under control, I know that. I just wish that I didn't grow up surrounded by so many lies. It would really help with my trust issues now. Goodbye past- I need to get rid of your toxicity. Hello confidence, let's get to know each other.

Until next time.
xx

Pain

One of my biggest fears is that I'll always be alone. Some days I'm so lonely I don't know how to keep going. It doesn't matter how many people are around me, they're just people. They don't see me as a whole. Only parts of me that I want them to see. No one has seen the real me.

Until then.
xx

Observant

There's this strange urge inside me. I feel absolutely restless and agitated. For what precisely, I'm not sure. My life is going according to plan, whatever the fuck that means. My friends serve their purpose and nothing more. Nothing surprises me, nothing challenges me. I need something to focus on. I don't know what it is I'm looking for, but I know one thing for certain.

I am ready.

Until next time.
xx

Near

What if life was just a game and I was losing?
What if the objectives were actually quite simple to meet, what if the only way to level up was to conform?
What if we were all players of this large mind controlling game?
What if the only way to win was to conform?

 Is that why I'm losing?

I'm just trying to make sense of this constant noise in my head. Despite the crap running through my brain, I'd like to believe I'm actually a fairly simple person. I just feel... Misplaced. Like a checkers piece on a chess board. Or a pen near a jigsaw puzzle. I don't make sense, I don't belong in this arena. So tell me then, how close am I to the edge?

 When is it Game Over?

Until then.
xx

Metadata

I am a selfish person. I want the world's affection and will try to get it at any cost, but as the saying goes, you can't buy happiness. No I take it back. I need raw love from just someone. One person that needs me as much as I'd need them. The people I surround myself with, they can be talking about something and not notice me suffocating in the corner. My silence is deafening to myself. I am trying so hard to figure out what I want but I just can't , for the life of me, figure it out. Fake smiles everywhere to everyone. The days are long, my sighs are heavier. The clock ticks. I think... I want out.

Until next time.

xx

Losing It

Never have I felt so alone. I'm trying... fuck I'm trying. No matter where I go I can't seek comfort and it hurts, just hurts so much. My mask is wearing out and my emotions are slowly clawing their way through. If she takes over again... God knows what will happen.

Worthless, senseless, empty. The terrors of my dreams, the scars that will never heal. Crying for attention isn't my style. Holding it in fucking sucks. I'm at an impasse- do I let people in and allow them to see how completely fucked up I am? Or do I push everyone away for their own good. My heart will always crave what my mind forbids. I can't even deal with myself. What makes it possible for me to deal with everyone else then?

The countdown begins.

Until then.
xx

Kiss me

"My heart is racing," he whispered.
"So is mine" she replied.

Until next time.
xx

Jinxed

If only for a second, let me hold you. Tell me all your secrets and let me know the truth. Open up your eyes, your heart and your mind. Take me with you on this journey of strength and let me bathe in your newfound glory. Pour your love into every part of my body and, just for one moment, drown me in your sadness. Link our souls to thicken our blood, let our undying support run through our veins. Promise me your last breath and in return I will let you know I already promised you mine.

Until then.
xx

Ideologies

Back and forth she swings herself in the empty park. The moon, full and bright, is the only thing that shines in her life. A gentle breeze caresses her cheek. Mother Nature knows and reminds her she is not alone. She sucks in a ragged breath and exhales slowly. She closes her eyes and a stray tear trickles down her cheek and rests upon the bow of her lips. She understands that it is nearly time.

One by one, the shadows pick themselves out of their prisons and move in a chaotic order. Slowly, curiously, they surround her in fascination. Fumbling to move ahead of each other, their fingers caress her cheek, stroke her hair, trace her jaw. Unable to see them, she jerks at their touch. These dark shapes form a line in front of the girl on the swing, revealing themselves to this complicated mortal.

Realising what they were, she knew. If anyone were to ask her precisely what was currently occurring then they would have been disappointed. Simply put, she just understood.

Her attention falls upon the figure in the centre. Tall and willowy, he steps forward towards her in a confident matter. She tries to make out the details of his face only to realise his face did not exist. As he draws near, he extends his arm.

Child. The decision is yours.

With no regrets, she links her arm to his. As if on cue, the audience of shadows bounce away from the line and huddle together creating a mass swirl of darkness before her. As gentlemanly as he is, he beckons her towards the portal to indicate for her to go first.

And just like that. She was swallowed into the darkness with not a trace of her existence left behind.

Until next time.
xx

Hanging

Rise in the morning sun
We believe In the same ideals
But it's harder to leave 
When we've come this far
And the end is near

Tell me what made you love
Just the way you do
It's the purest touch
And I wanted it too
But it seems this world won't let it be

And so will you write this down
When the siren sounds
You'll remember me
Cause this isn't meant to be
Turned into a memory
That stays until it fades
Away

Three hundred miles away
A different night
But the sky's the same
Nobody knows where you escape
That you are stranger
Show me love, I'm broke
I can't stand here on my own
If I'm going to live then I have to go
I'm danger

Until then
xx

Credits to Fade by Egyptian 

Grief

What am I doing? Why do I keep hurting myself and those around me? My mind is one fucked up place and I should know by now that no one is interested in my detrimental views. Yet time consumes me, the overthinking process commences and words flow out like deadly lava. They ooze through the cracks of my mind and seep their way towards you. Only when you are burning do I realise what chaos I have created. Only when you are burnt do I feel the full brunt of regret. 

I'm so sorry. Forgive me.

Until next time.

xx

Fables

I want to tell a story. A story about fear, hope, loss, bravery and love. There's a problem though, the story has no ending, but it definitely is worth reading. Will you listen to my tale? 

Until then. 

xx

Exemplary

They're becoming more lucid and harder to control. Sometimes, it's like looking through a glass wall, I can see but I cannot touch. They move to their own rhythm and speak their minds until they notice me. As if time stops, it's a silent affair. We analyse each other with curiosity and despite not knowing, we are comfortable and one. But then they do something I don't approve of, their actions are suddenly violent, their words hurtful. Yet I fall into their arms, I bare my heart, my mind and my soul for them to crush.

I would never wish this upon anyone. Don't trust them. Guard your mind. Refuse to look through that glass wall. 

Until next time,

xx.

Desires

It started a long time ago actually, I used to remember attending parties with my parents and while the adults entertained each other, the children were to play together. I never could really belong, no matter how hard I tried, I always felt like I was the oddity of the group.I never took charge, nor was I willing to be bossed around by some bratty kid. Even though I convinced myself I didn't mind, it was a lie I kept to myself all these years.

 Even now, despite so many connections, I feel alone.

I worry that I am too bossy, or that I am following too many orders. I am too aware of my actions and second guess them whenever I get a chance. Relationships are odd to me. I am by far a recluse, but I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can never connect wholly with a person. Because of this, I feel stuck. I want to feel and have someone who is willing to share and connect with me. Despite loving my partner, I sometimes think I restrain him and that I would never be the one that can make him truly happy. My closest friends understand my train of thoughts, but rarely recognise my need of appreciation, or affection. My parents see the world through a simplified spectrum, they believe happiness is indicated through wealth. I don't want to be the trouble child. They've done so much for me. Ironically, I hate to seem like a needy person- an attention seeker. Honestly, I just don't know what it is that I'm seeking for.

I just feel so lost. And so alone.

The episodes are running clear and strong now. I go for long periods of time without realising I've blanked out. I wake up crying and my dreams are frequently solemn. Writing this, getting this off my chest makes me feel slightly sane. I don't want to pass my burden onto others. I want to be strong for my dear ones. They themselves have been going through so much.

Only time will tell how long I can hold strong.

Until then.
xx

Complications

I can feel you slipping away, it makes me wonder what's really changing. I feel like I'm a small lost child in a dark and empty forest, one that keeps changing so I have no sense of direction. Is it so hard for you to tell me what you want? What do you need from me? Am I becoming a burden to you? I feel like now I'm living in constant negativity and doubt and that you're actually enjoying watching me suffer. Let's rewind time, let's rewind our lives and go back to the beginning... Or should we skip forward, see what's really going to happen and accept how things are going to be? You're an addiction and you know you have me at your fingertips. Please stop toying with me. Either embrace me or abandon me. I feel like I'm just being tolerated. The amount of ache you deliver, that heavy weight in my heart and mind. I wish you were clear with me.

I feel you slipping away and I'm not sure whether to hold on tight... or let go.

Until next time.
xx

Benevolent

Here I am just thinking to myself, is it patience that I have? Or am I just filled with stupidity?

When one is pushed into a space of negativity from an outside factor, one's decisions and thoughts become heavily influenced by this new, dark forced that has entered one's space. Was it by choice? As much as I'd like to say no, I must confess it was. You always have a choice whether to let them overtake you, or to fight back. I, for one, was weak that night.

But let me tell you one thing. I understand that people need to do things their way. I understand that people may be put back due to occurring actions. I understand that sometimes, it's hard to find that silver lining in all that mess.

However, you always, always, ALWAYS have a choice.

So, are you going to-
Let it burn you up? Or let it fuel your determination?
Let it dampen your mood? Or find a way to get over it?

Do you want to be angry and sour for the rest of your life? Or do you want to be able to channel your moods to clear that black space?

Deal with it. Don't drag others into it. You have a choice. Either you want to, or you don't want to. Don't let it ruin your mood because consequently, you'll end up doing more harm than any good whatsoever.

Until then,
xx

Abstinence

To refrain from something is to gain self control. I confess, I myself have little to no self control. Whether it's 'dieting' and controlling what I eat, to seeing something disastrous happening in slow motion and feeling absolutely helpless, knowing I should do something but not knowing what precisely needs to be done. In the heart of all things, it is what our inner souls want; this tiny voice we hear in our minds is what we subconsciously want, what we make ourselves believe that we need. Imagine a small child crying alone on the streets because he is hungry. Do you walk away from the child? Or do you feed them? How could one tiny voice project so much emotion? This is when we have to harness that self control. We must understand when we can let go, as well as comprehend when we must hold back.

 But how do we do that? What steps are supposed to be taken to help us educate ourselves to this...control?

 I myself haven't found the answer yet, but I am definitely open to suggestions thrown my way.

  All voices should be heard.

It just depends on how hard you listen to them is all.

Until next time.
xx
 

Zaftig

They had an agreement. They would be together but free. They had an agreement. No strings were attached. They had each other, but he wanted more. She hated the agreement, but she wanted him happy. He brought someone home one day, she was devastated. But because of that agreement, she plastered on a smile. That night she slept alone and heard them through the walls. Fat tears caressed her cheeks, comforting her, but still she kept that smile. This went on for days, she felt empty and forgotten. Then one day, it became too much, the smile had worn her out. With the final ounce of energy she could muster up, she gave him the ultimatum- it's either me or her. The girl beside him, naked in all her fine glory, had a dainty smug smile. He looked confused, for he wanted one but needed the other. 'We had an agreement, I don't understand.' She was so weary. She felt so tired. 'Let me decide for you then' she sighed and left him.

Until then.
xx

Yes

Insecurities define a person whether they like it or not. The reason why people are so insecure is because they doubt their future. Will it turn their way? Or will it go out of hand? We sometimes forget that in order to learn, mistakes must be made. So throw away those sorrows, throw away those uncertainties and just say yes. Who knows, you might actually end up having the time of your life.

Until next time.
xx

XOXO

I've noticed that it's easier to hate than to love. Our minds have reached that stage of conforming where it is better to publicly showcase your mutual hate rather than indicate any signs of indelible love. Hate has become another tool used to belong and instead of it being condemned, it is being embraced. But let me help you understand my realisation. Love requires so much more energy mentally. This type of energy is harder to replenish than physical energy. When you are physically drained, a quick coffee, a good hearty meal and a nap would do the trick; however, when you are drained mentally, your conscious takes a blow so hard that it requires much more than drink and food to bring up those levels of energy. Love is tiring. It's a lot of hard work too, but remember this for me guys, love is rewarding. When you love well or are loved well, there's this phenomenon that courses through your veins. Love is what builds, not destroy. Love is what replenishes, never taking away. Albeit, these definitions of love are my interpretations only- it's not a black and white type of meaning. For example- if a boy and a girl loved, but broke up, it's safe to say that never seeing them and hating their very existence is easier than trying to love them as a friend, instead of as a partner. The amount of energy it takes to control and channel your love differently is indeed a task that would produce headaches. But say, the boy and girl succeed, this new love, this perhaps stronger version of love will guarantee them that they will both never be alone; that they will always have a friend when in need. Love requires control and patience. Love doesn't cost a cent, so to the person reading this, please remember to love; and to do it unconditionally.

Until next time.
xx

Whispers

You're so bad for me, I can't help it though. I'm so bloody addicted to you. How is it that you possess so much and try so little? I feel like a bird towards a new scent. You're so alluring, but I'm worried that I'll suffocate you, that I'll harm you. Oh couldn't you tell? I warned you, I'm damaged. But I will try, I really will. Controlling her is harder than you think, you see. But like every other day in my life, I will fight her don't you worry. My spirit is strong thanks to you, hopefully it's stronger than hers.

Until then.
xx

Vintage

You're such a familiar stranger. So close yet so far. You frustrate me so much but I can't bear to hurt you. I want to leave. I need to leave, but your cry for help is so loud, I can't ignore it. You're my sympathy case, my burden to carry. You know that I can't say no and I feel used and abused.
My cure is is your cure. Cure yourself please. I beg of you. If not for you, then for me. If I am that important to you, then set me free. Liberate me and allow me the senses of serenity I so dearly crave for.

It's you. You're my burden. My sweet, sweet burden.

Until next time.
xx

Undesired

Sucks how your main flaw is your biggest flaw, not easy to change either.

Until then.
xx

Telltale Signs

I really love you. I do. But you need to stop with all this shit. The toxins you create around yourself. The way you embrace without thinking. We're growing tired of you, honey. We're always there to support you, please never forget that. But you're becoming too much to bear. I'm a bit sad to be honest. We both are. We feel a bit unappreciated. I thought you'd say thanks, or even at times I feel like I need a sorry from you. I miss the old you, I know you're somewhere in there. Even though the old you has gone, it's not like there's even a new you to appreciate. You've just literally become invisible. Your old self is gone, your new self never emerged. Where are you? I know you're stronger than this. Fight it. Fight him. I know you have the strength to be independent. If not, we're here to help you make those baby steps. Please stop letting others live your life for you. Please stop accepting to be spoon fed. Please come back to us. To me. I miss you, honey. I really do.

Until next time.
xx

Scattered senseless

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FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU BIG TIME, ALL OF YOU. WORSTT I SWEAR JUST SHUT UP WILL YOU? jwiaeodlhfrut ulaxieorsfn;eoitgnfsijj;nitgo;erhtrethin; ohtleo hireoth fvgjswjjkbrffekbkjfhdbjalgbgabj;wfEIFEWEIOWFEEIO;E BJFBKJBJnnbjfeso bleruja nlf.reigkn rl;sljtimreo;t

Until then, motherfucker.
xx

Remedy

Obviously it's all in my head. There's no way that so much can impact on such a little person. But it's true, I've succumbed to believe. And I wish, I really wish I didn't. Everything that occurs in our lives has several steps needed to be undertaken. We unconsciously take these steps without thinking of the consequences, without knowing where we're heading, without knowing the final result. WE are the people that make those choices, whether it's meticulously calculated; or randomly selected. WE are the ones that have to acknowledge our actions in the end.

It's horrible.

Knowing that you could have changed the past, knowing you were responsible for what has occurred and knowing that you had unconsciously said yes several steps of the way not realising how THAT final step can cause your world to fall apart. Don't worry about me though, as I've mentioned before, I've succumed to this mess. I know where I should stand YET I know where I actually stand. I am picking up those pieces. Just let me go at my own pace. Please.

Until next time.
xx